Don’t Masturbate on a Zoom Call with Colleagues
The biggest sex-related story of the week should clearly have been the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett. She believes that life begins at conception and supports fetal personhood, opinions which can threaten access to abortion, fertility treatments, and—if common misperceptions continue to be pushed as fact—birth control. She’s bought the argument that ACA’s birth control mandate infringes on religious freedom, which would be terrible in-and-of-itself, but may be moot if she and her fellow conservatives on the court strike down the ACA entirely, thereby robbing many women of their reproductive health care altogether. And, she’s a threat to all the progress we’ve made in advancing rights for LGBTQ individuals and same-sex couples. Barrett was certainly a big story this week, but the drudgery of her confirmation and the inevitability that McConnell’s GOP Senate would confirm her meant that we spent a lot of the week talking about Jeffrey Toobin’s penis instead. As much as I wanted to laugh at and yell about yet another powerful man who couldn’t keep it in his pants during working hours, this one didn’t really get my ire up. New facts may come out, but for now it seems like a really stupid technology accident that hurt no one but himself.
Workplace Sex Etiquette – Don’t Masturbate on a Zoom Call with Colleagues
Work and sex are bad bedfellows. We were all reminded of this last week when author and commentator Jeffrey Toobin was caught masturbating on a zoom call with colleagues. The incident has already given rise (see what I did there) to the phrase Zoom Dick, numerous hashtags, and an SNL skit, but it’s also launched a back and forth between those who think Toobin should be canceled and those who think the public shaming punishment he’s already suffered is too severe for the crime.
Toobin, who writes for the New Yorker and is CNN’s chief legal analyst, was participating in an election simulation. He was playing the role of the courts while others took on the parts of Biden, Trump, the military, and the political parties. Colleagues left the call to go to break out rooms and when they returned, they found Toobin masturbating on camera. From what participants on the call reported—and a statement by Toobin himself—it looks like he had toggled to a very different video call and assumed that he had temporarily logged out of the election simulation.
Watching the twitterverse and the media react to this story has been like watching a tennis match. The public shaming came fast and furious. He was suspended from the New Yorker, granted a leave by CNN, ostracized by public radio, and pummeled by twitter. Then came the backlash against the public shaming with some in the media (read fellow white males) jumping to his defense. They argued that he made a simple and embarrassing mistake, that masturbation is not a big deal, that we should be showing him empathy not indignation, and that with the election coming up we as a country couldn’t afford to lose his brilliant legal mind right now. Of course, then came the backlash to the backlash in which a number of commentators called out the media for protecting their own and argued this was yet another example of white male workplace privilege.
I find myself not caring who wins this particular tennis match. I actually think all of the commentators have valid points and that these points can be simultaneously true. Jeffrey Toobin did something stupid but probably not criminal and, in my mind, not immoral. It’s different than Louis CK whipping it out during a face-to-face meeting, Charlie Rose answering his door for co-workers naked, or Matt Lauer locking his door from behind his desk because, presumably, the person Toobin was having video sex with on the other Zoom had consented to seeing him play with his pecker. We can have some sympathy for him because who doesn’t fear an accident so big that it jeopardizes everything in our career (think “reply-all” with what you really think about the boss). We can think he’s a jackass because who takes a video sex call during another professional meeting. And, we can acknowledge that he’s a wealthy, well-educated, white male who likely didn’t think through the consequences of what he was doing because so often wealthy, well-educated, white males don’t face any.
If the facts are as they have been presented and Toobin thought he’d logged out of one call and onto another, I remain rather apathetic about this incident as it doesn’t not raise the usual workplace sex red flags. He wasn’t having nonconsensual sex. He wasn’t abusing his power over a colleague or a subordinate. He didn’t threaten to retaliate against anyone who reported the incident. He wasn’t getting off on getting away with something. Heck, he wasn’t even masturbating in the office, because we all work from home. Yes, his colleagues were undoubtedly embarrassed and his wife is probably pissed, but thus far the only person really hurt by this is Toobin himself. The caveat to this, however, is important. We are getting the story from many of the same media colleagues that defended him and Toobin has been accused of sexual misconduct in the past. If the available facts change, my opinion clearly will as well.
In the meantime, I’m don’t think there are any new lessons to learn here, but the basic one remains the same—don’t mix sex and work. Don’t do it in the supply room (even with a consenting partner). Don’t make suggestive comments or jokes to your employees or employers (even if they share your sense of humor). Don’t rub one out in the office bathroom (even if you’re alone and the door is locked). Don’t watch porn on your work laptop (even after hours). Don’t be naked on your video call (even from the waist down). Oh, and don’t have video sex during a break from another meeting (even if you think your camera is “muted”).
Do We Need a Subscription Service for STI Tests?
The newest subscription service isn’t for a curated box of makeup, a cooler full of ready-to-cook meals, or the necktie of the month; it’s for at-home STI testing.
Everlywell, a company that makes test kits for everything from food allergies to Lyme disease, is offering a new monthly subscription service called Current for $14.99 per month. Subscribers can choose from one of five STI tests each month—HIV, Hepatitis-C, syphilis, trich, or a combined test for chlamydia and gonorrhea—which can tell you if you have one or none, but can’t tell you which you have. Test kits, which normally cost $49 each, come with collection instructions (finger prick of blood, urine, or self-swab), sterile collection tools, information, and pre-paid return shipping. The company promises quick, physician-reviewed results from a certified lab. If results are positive, the company says a board-certified doctor in the subscriber’s state may follow up with information and a prescription.
We’ve all become amateur epidemiologists in the last few months, so we know that test, trace, and treat (or isolate if treatment isn’t possible) is the way to combat an epidemic. And, we do have an epidemic of STIs in this country. At-home services, while potentially not as thorough or reliable as an in-person exam, can reach people who otherwise would not get tested (perhaps they live quite far from the nearest clinic or are embarrassed to go). And, mail order testing definitely filled a gap during lockdowns when many were unable to get in-person services. Everlywell said its STI testing in March and April of this year was 4 times higher than for the same period last year.
That said, a one-test-per-month subscription service seems to both over- and under-correct for the problem. People get tested for STIs because they have symptoms, they’ve been told by a partner that they’ve been exposed, or they want a clean bill of health (possibly before embarking on a new relationship). If anything itches, burns, or drips, that person should be tested for a number of STIs at the same time because symptoms overlap but treatments are different. Same goes for those looking for reassurances or “permission” to have condomless sex, one negative test is not enough. On the other hand, few people need multiple tests for the same infection each year, and since there are 5 tests and 12 months that’s what would happen (though the website says subscribers can cancel any time).
A trip to a health care provider—who can do a visual exam and test for a whole host of STIs at the same time—is probably better both for people who have symptoms or those that want reassurance. But for anyone who’d rather test at home, the site sells a one-time package of seven tests (the five above plus HPV and Herpes-2) for $149 which seems like it gives more bang for the buck than the monthly subscription (yes, that pun was intended).
“Oh, Your Vibrator is So Cute”
I’m not sure that cute and vibrator are words I’ve ever used together but two companies are betting on making sex toys more accessible by giving them a little personality.
Cute Little Fuckers offers three characters Trinity, Starsi, and Princette Puppypus which each have their own identity and educational webcomic series. Created by nonbinary disabled designer and hacker Step Tranovich, the toys are made for many abilities, have a powerful motor, and could be considered innocuous enough to keep on your nightstand (though possibly not if you have curious kids).
If octopusesque aliens are not your thing, you could try an Emojibator—they come in shapes like the classic eggplant emoji, a red hot pepper, a yellow chick, or a little pickle. The designers of these buzzing beauties are hoping that their toys empower women to close the orgasm gap.
Perhaps an adorable, pulsating sex toy is the pandemic purchase we all need as we are likely heading into a new wave of lockdowns.