I was accused of not taking penises seriously enough. Or, more specifically, I was accused of not taking penis graffiti seriously enough. Last week, a parent posted pictures to the middle school’s family Facebook group warning us that large-scale phalluses (maybe 4 feet tall) had been drawn in mud on the front of the school. I was bracing myself for the outrage that usually comes when middle schoolers do or say anything vaguely sexual and was pleasantly surprised when, instead, some of the parents questioned the quality of the artwork and others proclaimed it unfair that there were no matching vulva pics. I chimed in with a quip about sex education and happily learned that there was another sex educator in the group. I went to bed feeling grateful for a community that could have a little fun with this.
In the morning, however, I was greeted with a scathing message by a group member who saw our collective flippancy as a sign of disrespect to the school, our children, and our community. They felt that we were condoning not just vandalism but bullying. (Apparently, penises have been drawn on lockers making some students feel singled out but that’s not the situation we were discussing at the time and we would not have joked about that.) They felt that by making light of the situation, we were undermining the efforts of administrators to create a united school community and not taking the mental health of school children in this first post-pandemic year seriously enough.
I just thought we were laughing at the fact that when given any writing implement—pen, paint, or mud—middle schoolers will draw a dick. That we were laughing at in an adults-only forum. And, yes, that we were doing so as the world burns. We’re all parents of middle schoolers, we know the kids are struggling. We’re struggling too. Sometimes you have to laugh between all the crying.
As anyone who has ever used social media can imagine, however, my attempts to explain this backfired. I was accused of being a bad cyber citizen.
So, I thought I’d used today’s edition of Sex On Wednesday to prove that I have in the past taken some things seriously. Even penises. (Though this may backfire too because penises are inherently funny.)
And, yes, for anyone who hasn’t yet seen through my Must See TV ruse—this is a clip show masquerading as a new episode. You know, the episode of the Golden Girls that starts with the four of them sitting around the kitchen table and just when you’re expecting a new joke, they say something like “remember that time….” And your heart sinks. It’s really just a rerun. (Sorry, I had a cold most of this week.)
#1. That Time I Suggested Putting the Vape Down to Keep Getting It Up
We’ve known for a long time that classic cigarettes (think Marlboro Reds or Benson & Hedges) are bad for you and your dick. Now, a new study suggests that e-cigarettes are no better. Researchers from NYU and Johns Hopkins analyzed data from over 13,000 men over 18 who participated in a tobacco use study and answered questions on erectile dysfunction.
One quarter of participants (24.5%) said they had ever used Electronic Nicotine Delivery Systems (ENDS) more commonly called e-cigarettes, 4.8% said they used them currently, and 2.1% reported using them daily.
A note before we continue to the penis part of the results. E-cigarettes were invented by a Chinese pharmacist in 2003 and introduced as a healthier, less smoky way to get your nicotine fix. Healthier is, of course, a relative term. The e-cigarette technology has given rise to (see what I did there) the vaping craze but while all e-cigarettes are vapes, not all vapes are e-cigarettes. Today people vape lots of things, most notably weed, CBD, or essential oils. This study only looked at people specifically vaping nicotine.
Just over 20% of respondents had experienced erectile dysfunction (ED). Current daily ENDS users were 2.2 times more likely to report ED than never users. A history of cardiovascular disease and being over 65 were also associated with a greater incidence of ED while increased physical activity was associated with decreased incidence of ED.
The researchers also looked at a subset of participants who had experienced ED but had never had a history of cardiovascular disease to see if the correlation between ENDS use and ED held up. It did. About 10% of respondents in this group said they’d experienced ED and current daily ENDS users were 2.4 times more likely to report ED than never users.
So, like every other study of the past few decades this one comes down to if you want to be healthy (in this case to be able to get it up), exercise and don’t smoke cigarettes—even the fancy, new-fangled versions.
#2. That Time I Told You That Sticking Things in the Penis Was Dangerous
A recent issue of Urology Case Reports tells the story of a 45-year-old man who sought treatment when he had difficulty peeing and blood in his urine. He told doctors that he and his partner often inserted things into his urethra to help with erectile dysfunction. Most recently, his partner had inserted a skinny straw that was attached to a can and had “accidentally” pressed the button on the can sending spray weather-proofing insulation into his penis and beyond.
By the time he went to the hospital—three weeks after the incident—the foam was lodged in his urethra and his bladder. When doctors went to remove the foam, they found that his urethra was already narrowed from scar tissue likely as a result of the objects he had inserted over the years. In order to get to the foam, doctors had to cut a hole in his perineum (the area between the scrotum and the anus) and go into the urethra from that direction. He will need future surgery to reconstruct his urethra. In the meantime, he has to rely on a suprapubic catheter and urine bag.
The doctors who worked with him noted that in cases in which people repeatedly insert things into their urethra, mental illness sometimes plays a role and that they would need the patient to have a psychiatric evaluation before undergoing reconstruction.
He is, however, far from the only person who stuck something up (or is it down) his urethra recently. The folks at Defector scour medical literature each year to see what we’ve jammed into our various orifices, or, more specifically, what we’ve had to seek medical assistance to have removed from said orifices. They have a pretty long list of stuff that was taken out of urethras in 2020. It includes tongue rings (blow jobs gone bad?), wire hangers, a stylus, and a marble that had been in place for four years.
Urethral play is something that some people with penises and vulvas enjoy, but it does come with a decent amount of risk and should be done with extreme care. There are sex toys designed for this—short plugs (10 cm) and rods (30 cm) usually made of stainless steel. Experts suggest sterilizing toys carefully, using a lot of lube, and going very slowly. They also advise against using anything other than these toys, such as household objects or fingers, as these can tear the sensitive skin on the inside of the urethra and introduce bacteria into the urinary tract. And, if something does get stuck in your urethra (or in any other hole), please don’t wait three weeks or four years to seek medical attention.
#3. That Time I Said Size Doesn’t Matter and Then Talked About It Anyhow
The latest entry into the field of “ if you have a big [X], you must really have a big dick” is a study out of Japan that has found a correlation between the size of a person’s nose and the length of their penis. Cyrano de Bergerac would be thrilled.
Apparently, the authors of the study, which was published earlier this year in the journal Basic and Clinical Andrology, were inspired by the saying “big nose, big hose.” (That’s a saying?) They set out to see if this was true by measuring both the noses and the hoses of 126 recently deceased men ages 30 to 59.
The average stretched penis length (the penis is measured in an upright position to best mimic an erection) among the cadavers was 4.5 inches and there was a definite correlation between this measurement and nose length. Men with shorter noses, about 1.77 inches, had an average stretched penis length of 4.08 inches. In comparison, the men with larger noses, about 2.17 inches, had an average stretched penis size of 5.28 inches. That looks like a huge difference but remember we’re dealing in averages so a few super-long or super-short schlongs could be skewing the results.
This could be good news for big-schnozzed men everywhere though it is important to note that the sample size was small and homogenous (all of the men were Japanese). Also, as a sex educator, I’m morally and professionally obligated to remind all readers that penis size is not the be all and end all of sexual performance and that most sexual partners really won’t care how long your member is.
#4. That Time I Introduced You the Danish Wonderdick, Who Happens to be a Cartoon for Kids
He’s no Calliou. He’s not Sid the Science Kid. He’s not Daniel Tiger. Or Clifford the Big Red Dog. He’s John Dillermand. In English, John Penisman. And, no, he’s not coming to a PBS station near you.
The premise of this animated series, which recently premiered in Denmark, is that John has a very long penis and can do very many things with it. The show is animated in Claymation style and said penis is not at all realistic—it’s more rope than snake and it’s red and white striped like his outfit. Apparently with this penis, John is able to walk his dog, light a stubborn grill, and fend off a lion.
The show, which is aimed at children four to eight, is not meant to be sexual at all. According to the head of children’s programming at the station that airs it, the show “acknowledges children’s growing curiosity about the body: both the things that are embarrassing, and the things that are fun” and sends a message “about being true to one’s self — including your flaws.” While some Danish parents have complained that the show is too sexualized, he points out that it’s important not to view it through too much of an adult lens. Kids think genitals are funny, and they are enjoying the show.
For the most part, I agree with that line of thinking. I don’t mind when kids make up dances that look like stripping to adult eyes or sing lyrics like “I’m sexy and I know it.” (In the era of WAP that seems tame but I remember when a first grader got suspended for singing it in the school cafeteria.) Kids don’t ascribe the same meaning to those moves or words that adults do. My hackles go up when adults are the ones choreographing the moves, choosing the songs, or dressing the kids like playboy bunnies. (Read what I said after my then-kindergartener’s dance recital; it was almost 10 years ago but it still rings true.)
And penises are funny. They just are.
That said, some commentators and friends have brought up concerns about the “boys will be boys” and “penises are better” messages that kids might take away from this show. Dr. Lea Lis, a child psychiatrist who specializes in sexuality issues, wrote in Psychology Today that she doesn’t like the idea that boys can “get themselves into trouble because of a penis that cannot be controlled.” She notes, “It is the brain that controls the penis and not the other way around.” My friend and colleague Logan Levkoff put it this way in a text, “A penis CANNOT DO IT ALL.” And, another friend of mine wrote on Facebook, “No one would greenlight a kids' show about a fantastic, supersized vagina because *in reality* lady parts do vagical things such as birth humans the size of standard bowling balls on the regular. Also, patriarchy.”
In general, European countries have much better attitudes about sex and much better sex education than we do. It’s probably not fair for us to be commenting on this show outside of the complete cultural context. I forwarded the clip to another friend who is half-Danish and she replied: “Too funny. The Danes are quite up front about sex.”
Being quite up front about sex is a good thing. Especially on Wednesdays.
#5: Just Last Week When I Reminded You That COVID Could Have Bad Penis Side Effects
While we still have no proof that Nikki’s cousin’s friend’s testicles were ever swollen, we now have more research to suggest that Covid-19 affects the male reproductive system. Scientists studying the effects of the virus on rhesus macaques have found evidence that the virus infects the penis, prostate, and testicles, which might explain the variety of symptoms from erectile dysfunction to low sperm count that some men have suffered after recovering from Covid.
Researchers at Tulane’s National Primate Research Center used positron emission tomography technology to track how the virus works its way through the body and how it is eventually cleared. They were expecting to find the virus in places like the lungs but were surprised when the monkeys’ penises and testicles were lit up like Christmas trees on the scans. Biologist Thomas Hope, the study’s lead author, told the New York Times, “The signal that jumped out at us was the complete spread through the male genital tract. We had no idea we would find it there.”
The researchers do not know whether the monkeys had any reproductive health symptoms like pain or sexual dysfunction, but they think this discovery may be a first step in understanding—and ultimately treating—the symptoms human males have been experiencing. Research has already found that men who have been infected with the virus are three to six times more likely than those who haven’t to develop erectile dysfunction (ED). Other symptoms include testicular pain, decreased fertility, and low testosterone production (which can lead to even more symptoms like low sex drive).
One anonymous emailer to the podcast “How to Do It” insisted that in addition to experiencing ED, his penis actually shrunk. He said the ED got better with medication, but his King Kong dong had lost both length and girth. The current consensus is that the virus-dick connection lies in the vascular system or more specifically in the endothelium, a layer of cells that line blood vessels throughout the body. Damage to these cells can affect many organs, and it makes sense that it could hamper erections since those are caused by blood flowing to the penis.
The monkey study, however, may suggest that Covid-19’s penis attacks are more head on. Other viruses have caused damage by directly infecting the reproductive system. Dr. Hope mentioned both Zika and Ebola and noted that historically the Mumps were famous for causing sterility. Hope and his colleagues say their next step is to see if the testicles become a reservoir where the virus can hang out long term.
In the meantime, Dr. Hope and human penis doctors agree that the best way to protect the family jewels is to get vaccinated. Anyone who is experiencing symptoms should seek help because there are things that can be done to improve blood flow, increase testosterone levels, and even get a little length back. (This last part involves a penis vacuum, but if reenactment-heavy reality show Sex Sent Me to the ER has taught us anything, it’s don’t stick your dick in your Dyson.)