Of Crack Pipes and Condom Emojis

No, the Biden Administration Isn't Handing Out Crack Pipes on the Playground

Valentine’s Day has passed (I got some very nice flowers!), but I feel like I should note that February 14th is also International Condom Day, the day when we celebrate that little slip of latex that does so many good things or, more accurately, prevents so many bad things like chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, and–oh yeah–kids you’re not prepared to have. In honor of the day, the AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) is asking the powers-that-be to create a condom emoji. The organization, which has in the past taken on the porn industry, has designed an emoji of a shiny red condom wrapper and is asking the Unicode Consortium to officially adopt it.

Given how many emojis have become associated with sex (Eggplants, Peaches, and Tacos, Oh My!), having one that suggests safer sex seems like a good idea. It could make condom negotiation easier and more fun, but the AFH shouldn’t be too optimistic about its chances with the emoji Gods.  

Emojis are approved by the Unicode Consortium, a nonprofit Silicon Valley group run by volunteers. Anyone can submit a proposal for free (though the AHF should know that proposals are only accepted between April and June), but they have to make a good case for why we (the collective we) need this emoji and how often it will be used. If there is an open proposal for a similar emoji, there’s no need to submit a new one. If a similar emoji has been proposed and rejected within the last two years, the consortium won’t consider the new proposal.

A condom emoji was proposed and rejected in 2016, and two previous proposals for a birth control pill pack emoji have been rejected. The Consortium seem to frown on contraception, but we don’t know why. Perhaps they don’t think there’s enough call for condoms in texts or maybe they fear that a wrapped condom might be mistaken for a ravioli? Or perhaps, like certain birthday boys to whom I happen to be married, the consortium truly believes that one and only one emoji is worthy of use:

Happy Birthday, Ewe!

Conservatives Make Fun of Harm Reduction Efforts (Again)

There’s a rumor running around the conservative press that the Biden Administration is planning to hand out crack pipes on the playground. Okay, maybe they haven’t actually said the distribution would take place under the monkey bars, but that’s the image some would like you to have of the $30 million Harm Reduction Grant which is part of the 2021 American Rescue Plan. 

According to the Biden Administration, the funding is to be used to enhance efforts to prevent substance abuse, drug overdoses, and the spread of infectious diseases including HIV, other STIs, and viral Hepatitis. In terms of equipment, this means that the grant could cover naloxone (a drug that can rapidly reverse an opioid overdose), fentanyl test strips (which can detect this harmful substance in any drug batch), clean syringes, medication lockboxes, condoms, PrEP (medication which can prevent HIV if taken regularly), and Hepatitis A and B vaccines. There is a mention of safe smoking kits in the grant documentation, but it takes a special kind of “journalist” to turn that into “Biden is distributing crack pipes to Black people for racial equality.”

It also takes a special kind of lawmaker to introduce counter legislation and name it after the President’s one surviving son who is known to have struggled with drug addiction in the past. The Hunter Act of 2022 was introduced by Lauren Boebert and Dan Bishop. It would prohibit any federal funds from being used for drug paraphernalia which they believe includes “crack pipes, harm reduction vending machines, syringes, and safe smoking kits and supplies.” Boebert, who armed her young sons in their family holiday card, told Fox News: “ I like the HUNTER Act because it was a better acronym than Stop Paying to Subsidize Biden’s Son’s Drug Addiction act. That didn’t really flow. I think tax dollars have been on the hook for Hunter’s addictions long enough.”

It almost feels stupid to respond to her and her co-author with facts. They don’t care about facts. They don’t care that clean needle programs prevent HIV without raising drug use rates. Despite being members of the supposed party of fiscal responsibility, they don’t care that clean needles cost pennies and could prevent a lifetime of medical expenses. All they cared about was embarrassing the president and scoring a few points with their Biden-hating base.

Harm reduction in general goes against the GOP’s hardline, no empathy, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, it’s your own damn fault that you’re [pregnant, addicted, poor] outlook on governing. They prefer a risk avoidance approach. Look at Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign or the rebranding of abstinence-only-until-marriage programs as sexual risk avoidance. Moreover, they refuse to believe that socio-economic factors make it harder for some people to avoid certain risks or that not everyone shares their values on behaviors like pre-marital sex. (I’d argue that many GOP lawmakers, like, say Rep. Matt Gaetz, don’t share that particular value or at least don’t apply it to themselves, but that’s for another Wednesday.)

Unfortunately, the proliferation of crack pipe headlines meant the Administration was forced to respond to the faux-outrage of conservatives and to promise that “no federal funding will be used directly or through subsequent reimbursement of grantees to put pipes in safe smoking kit.” I, for one, am not relieved.

Nick Cannon Gets a Condom Vending Machine

In other condom news, Kevin Hart pranked Nick Cannon by sending him a full-size vending machine stocked with Trojan Magnums. While the machine had a giant red bow on top, it did not come with a card, leaving Nick to answer his girlfriend’s questions about who wanted him to have that many condoms.

The two comedians have been engaged in a prank war for years. After Cannon bought Hart a llama for his birthday, Hart retaliated by posting Nick’s real phone number on a digital billboard. Cannon responded to that by wrapping Hart’s private plane in pictures of himself. (Oh, to have this much time and money.)

The real joke behind the vending machine is Nick Cannon’s impressive fertility. The Masked Singer host has had four children born to three women since 2020: Powerful Queen is 13 months old, and twins Zion Mixolydian and Zillion Heir are seven months. He also had Zen who was born days after the twins but sadly died of a brain tumor in December. His older children include ten-year-old twins Moroccan and Monroe (with ex-wife Mariah Carey) and a four-and-a-half-year-old named Golden “Sagon.” (Note: the quotes are not mine. All media references to Golden include quotes around the middle name.)

After a diaper-filled 2021, Cannon claims to have gone on a “celibacy journey” starting in October to help him “chill out.” It clearly didn’t last all that long, however, as he is currently expecting his eighth child.

Perhaps Nick needs a reminder that celibacy is not the only way to prevent pregnancy. The gold-wrapped condoms he now has will do a great job; he could talk to his partners about any number of Long-Acting Reversible Contraceptive options; or he could decide that Dick Van Patten was right—Eight is Enough—and have a vasectomy.

If he’s not going to use the condoms, though, I bet there’s a college dorm nearby that would love to take the vending machine off his hands.