My Brainworm Ate My Homework

I didn’t do my homework this week because today is my mom’s 80^th birthday. I went to visit her instead. But, hey, at least I didn’t have AI do my homework for me. That’s pretty clearly what RFK, Jr. did when he submitted the MAHA report on kids’ health. He refused to tell us who wrote the report (so much for his promise of radical transparency), which suggests it was either AI or the brainworm itself. My money is on AI (and not just because I can’t figure out how a brainworm would type).

The report included references to studies that don’t exist. That’s a tell-tale sign of Chat GPT for sure. I once asked it to write an article about premature ejaculation with quotes from experts to see what it would come up with. The article was meh but not that much worse than what’s out there. The prose was too florid for my taste, but the flow was pretty good, and the expert quotes sounded just like what an expert on premature ejaculation might say.

The problem: said experts didn’t exist.

They were a figment of AI’s imagination just like Dr. Robert Findling’s 2009 paper in The Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology. Okay, it’s a little different. Dr. Findling exists. The Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology exists. The study cited in the MAHA report, however, does not.

My favorite part of that story is Karoline Leavitt’s response. The White House Press Secretary said, “I understand there were some formatting issues with the MAHA report that are being addressed, and the report will be updated.” Nice try, lady. No eighth-grade social studies teacher is buying that lame excuse.

A fake study might not be as bad as a real study that proves you wrong, however. That’s what happened to Republicans in Utah who asked for a study on gender affirming care in the hope of justifying their cruelty to transgender kids. The report was commissioned in 2023 when lawmakers passed a complete ban on hormone therapy and surgery for minors. They claimed the ban was temporary until the state could conduct its own research.

Said research has been conducted, and the results will surprise no one who is actually paying attention. It found that gender-affirming care generates "positive mental health and psychosocial functioning outcomes." According to the Utah Department of Health, which conducted the study with outside experts, the scientific findings cannot be used to justify a ban on hormone therapy.

Oops, now all they have left for justification is bigotry, hate, and their own confusion about gender.

I’m afraid to ask AI to write a Sex on Wednesday because I’m betting it could mimic my usual snarky tone successfully enough that I might have an existential identity crisis. And, while the Utah Department of Health proved itself honest, those authors might not be snarky enough. That leaves RFK’s brainworm who didn’t return my calls.

Alas, this is all the sex there is this week. I’m off to celebrate a new octogenarian and try to figure out her favorite kind of cake. (Please note, it’s not that I haven’t been paying attention to her cake preferences all of my life, it’s that she’s not sure. She said not vanilla, not chocolate, not red velvet, just something gooey and sweet. Ideas?)