It is hard to think about anything other than Russia’s attack on Ukraine this week—even sex. I will not pretend to be an expert on foreign policy and can offer absolutely no analysis. I’m heartened to see so much of the world united against Putin (he has Belarus and maybe China, Ukraine has everyone else even the famously neutral Switzerland) and am grateful that we no longer have a Putin supporter in the White House. I also really wish that this internet meme were true:
One could imagine that with Russian oligarchs cut off from their money, Russian travelers cut off from airplanes, and the Russian public cut off from its porn, Putin would face a lot of (very cranky) opposition at home. Alas, Snopes and a bunch of people using VPNs to fake Russian IP addresses have proven this rumor false. More reason to hope economic sanctions work.
Condoms Have Always Been Good for Anal Sex
Butts have gotten a lot of attention this week as the FDA approved One Condom’s request to market its product as safe and effective for anal sex. This is great news. Anything that opens up a dialogue about anal sex and reminds us of how good condoms are at protecting us against sexually transmitted infections (STIs)—regardless of where we’re sticking our penises this week—is a win.
I worry, though, that some of the headlines suggest there’s something unique about this particular condom that makes it effective against anal sex. That’s not what this news tells us. Condoms have been around forever. Anal sex has been around forever. People have been relying on condoms to protect them during anal sex forever.
Remember, condoms were a huge part of public health outreach to men who have sex with men (MSM) early in the HIV epidemic and remain an important part of HIV- and STI-prevention strategies for both MSM and male-female couples. The CDC recommends people use condoms for “every act of vaginal, oral, or anal intercourse.” And it has for years.
As the company explains in a press release, there isn’t anything different about this condom that makes it designed for anal sex. This is just the first time anyone brought data to the FDA and said, “Hey, condoms work to protect against STIs during anal sex, here’s a study of our condoms for you to look at, will you please give us your stamp of approval and let us say that on the box and in our advertisements?”
The fact that it took until 2022—and over forty years into the HIV epidemic—for this to happen says a lot about our general squidgeyness when it comes to butt stuff, but it doesn’t say anything about the condoms that are already on the market.
First Time Matters for Many Women
I’ve always hated the romanticization of first time sex. Television and rom-coms would have us believe that it’s either magical (full of rose petals, soft lighting, and simultaneous orgasms) or comically awful (your mom walks in while your boyfriend hides, erect penis in full view, behind the flimsy closet door). Most of society still insists on referring to the moment as “losing your virginity” as if there’s something pure and innocent about a person (let’s face it, a woman) that has now been permanently revoked. Moreover, despite our growing acceptance of a wide-range of gender identities and sexual orientations—the classic first time is still associated with penis-in-vagina sex.
Even I have to admit, however, that the first time—whether it was fabulous or an epic fail—holds a special place in our memories. Most of us have sex a lot of times over the course of our lives and only some episodes standout. This is probably one we remember. In fact, a new study suggests that for women having penis-in-vagina sex, the first time has a big impact on their sexual desire moving forward.
Researchers at the University of Toronto surveyed almost 900 heterosexual adults. They described their sample as emerging adults (meaning they were young) and including many university students. They asked each participant for a retrospective accounting of their first time having penis-in-vagina sex including whether they had an orgasm and if they were satisfied by the experience. They also asked participants about their sexual desire in general.
Women in the study were half as likely to say they were satisfied with their first time and about eight times less likely to have had an orgasm during it than men. When this information was analyzed alongside overall sexual desire, the researchers found that levels of sexual desire in women only differed from those in men among women who had not had an orgasm during their first time.
This goes against the widely held belief that men are just more sexual than women by nature. Instead, it suggests that women may simply learn to be disappointed by their first sexual experience and that this disappointment turns into a lack of desire for future experiences.
Diana Peragine, the doctoral student who was the lead author on the study, put it this way, “Rather than really speaking to fixed gender differences in sexual desire, our findings raise the possibility that a sexual debut lacking in orgasm may be a common part of women’s sexual socialization where sexual activity may be disincentivized.” In contrast, she said, a good first sexual experience could, “serve as a ‘learning experience’ for many, and an important one for developing expectations that sex can be enjoyable, and beliefs that we deserve, and are entitled, to enjoy it.”
How do we ensure good first sexual experiences for women? I can’t say I know the answer, but I think we can start by including pleasure in sex education. Admit that most sex is for pleasure not procreation, encourage partner communication about what feels good and what doesn’t, and remind everyone that both partners—no matter their gender—should have an equally good time. This notion, by the way, is supported by another new research study that found programs that included pleasure fostered better attitudes about sex and helped encourage safer sex practices like condom use.
I would also suggest that sex ed talk about the importance of masturbation since female orgasms can be harder to master and possibly even to recognize. Experimenting solo can help women know what they like and what they need to climax. (Hint: it’s usually direct clitoral stimulation that’s not provided by penetration alone.) Of course, this suggestion got a very nice Surgeon General fired. While I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since then, I’m not convinced we have.
What we do have now, though, is TikTokers and YouTubers promoting masturbation and celebrities selling sex toys. Hopefully, they can help the next generation of emerging adult women find pleasure in the first time and every time after that.