Welcome to a Show About Death

The Death of Lauren Boebert's Political Career, Perhaps

In its opening song (which played on repeat in my car for far too long), Beetlejuice the Musical promises to be a show about death. One can only hope that the September 10^th performance in Denver, Colorado was a show about the death of Lauren Boebert’s political career.

For those living under a rock for the last five years, Boebert is the ultra-MAGA Republican Representative from Colorado’s third district who was re-elected in 2022 by just 546 votes. Calling her eccentric is an understatement. She has sent out family Christmas photos featuring her small children holding assault rifles; opened and closed a gun-themed, Hooters-style restaurant cleverly called Shooters; announced she was going to be a grandmother at the age 36; and filed for divorce from her husband who has been arrested for exposing himself and accused of running over his neighbor’s mailbox during a dispute.

For those living in a much-deserved media blackout for the past three weeks, Boebert’s latest scandal involves her behavior at the traveling performance of Beetlejuice which she attended with a date. Theater staff say the Congresswoman was vaping and taking pictures with her phone, both of which are explicitly against the rules. Audience members also said that she was being overly loud and otherwise inappropriate during the performance. According to reports, theater staff warned her during intermission and then ejected her and her date from the facilities when they continued to be disruptive during the second act.

Boebert initially laughed the situation off, obviously hoping we would too. The Congresswoman tweeted, “It's true, I did thoroughly enjoy the AMAZING Beetlejuice at the Buell Theatre and I plead guilty to laughing and singing too loud! 🤭Everyone should go see it if you get the chance this week and please let me know how it ends! 😅.” Not a bad joke all things considered.

Her spokesperson/campaign manager put out a statement in the same vein that started, “I can confirm the stunning and salacious rumors: in her personal time, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert is indeed a supporter of the performing arts (gasp!) and, to the dismay of a select few, enthusiastically enjoyed a weekend performance of Beetlejuice.” The statement went onto take a swipe at Biden, “She appreciates the Buell Theatre's strict enforcement of their no photos policy and only wishes the Biden Administration could uphold our border laws as thoroughly and vigorously." And it ended with a denial that she was vaping.

Sorry, Lauren, but did you really think there wouldn’t be any video?

The surveillance footage that has since been released clearly shows Boebert dancing enthusiastically in her seat and vaping. It also appears to show her engaging in some risqué PDA. The video is a little grainy, but you can kind of see her date with his hand on her breast, and you can clearly see Lauren’s hand on his boebert.

I don’t know that we have to hold our elected official to a higher standard of behavior than ourselves or our neighbors, but they should probably meet the minimum requirements set for grown-ups in public. Boebert broke two stated rules—don’t smoke and don’t take pictures—and was a distraction to audience members around her and possibly the actors. She barely met the standard for a five-year old.

Upon being kicked out, Boebert continued her class act yelling things like “Do you know who I am?” “I’m on the board,” and “I’m going to call the Mayor” at security guards before walking out with her middle finger held high.

Yet again, Boerbert shows herself to be a bastion of hypocrisy. She calls drag queens pedophiles and says we have to keep them away from children but has no problem fondling a fella during a family-friendly play?

The best part of this story, however, is that Boebert’s date has been identified as the owner of a bar that has hosted drag shows. This might not be hypocrisy, but it definitely meets the Alanis Morrisessian definition of irony.

When it became clear that she was caught on tape and spin was not an option, Boebert apologized saying her behavior “fell short of her values.” Her personal history includes several run-ins with police prior to being elected and she was swept into an unlikely position of power by a movement that worships a twice-impeached, thrice-married, four-time indicted, document-hoarding, pussy- grabbing, porn-star-poking conman. I would argue that this is entirely aligned with her values.

We’ll never know if this incident breaks Boebert’s political career, but it will surprise no one if she loses in the next election. That would be nice, but we have way bigger fish to fry in 2024. Honestly, I think Boebert and her fellow congressional banana, Marjorie Taylor Greene, are less dangerous than their peers who seem sane but vote exactly the same way.

Vaping May Shrink Your Testicles

Lauren Boebert may not be the only one hoisted on their own vape pen. A new study in rats found that vaping shrunk their testicles, lowered their sperm counts, and otherwise wreaked havoc on their reproductive system. The changes aren’t huge, but then again, neither are a rat’s testicles.

According to the study, published in a Spanish journal, there was a “small” effect on the size of the rodent’s nads when they were exposed to e-cigarette smoke, and their sperm count dropped by a few million (from 98.5 million sperm per ml to 95.1 million). The researchers also referred to the seminiferous tubules—where sperm are produced—as “disorganized” and noted some other undesirable testicular traits.

There have been other studies tying e-cigarette use to erectile dysfunction, low sperm count, increased sperm death, and low testicular weight. (This reminds me of a joke I used to tell about a farmer who was able to tell a pig’s weight by feeling their balls. T he punchline is that mom’s busy weighing the mailman. Maybe it wasn’t funny.)

This study didn’t have any huge new findings, but it seems pretty clear that in addition to being bad for your political career, vaping is bad for your dick and balls.

Back to Eighth Grade: Genital Warts Do Not Cause Cervical Cancer

I thought it would take more than a week of eighth grade sex education before I started complaining about things I would have said differently, but alas I’m me and the pre-test was wrong.

One of the questions asked was, “Which of the following STIs is caused by HPV and can lead to cervical cancer?” The potential answers were chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital warts. 

Nope, that’s not how it f**king works. 

It’s not that the answers were wrong, it’s that the question was wrong. HPV is an STI as are chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Genital warts, on the other hand, are a symptom or health issue caused by an STI. Just like syphilis is an STI that can cause sores on your genitals and gonorrhea is an STI that can cause your penis to burn when you pee, HPV is an STI that can cause genital warts. HPV can also cause cancer, but for the most part these are separate issues.

Genital warts are not an STI, and genital warts do not cause, turn into, or become cancer. In fact, if you get genital warts, it’s usually a sign that you were infected with a different type of HPV than the ones most often responsible for cancer.  

HPV is a group of over 200 viruses that can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact. Some of them infect the genitals while others cause warts on different parts of your body like fingers or feet. Some of the types that infect the genitals cause warts on said genitals. Others cause cervical cancer and/or cancer of the vulva, vagina, cervix, penis, mouth, throat, or anus. No eighth grader needs to know this, and it better not be on the test, but most genital warts are caused by HPV types 6 and 11 and most HPV-related cancers are caused by types 16 and 18.

Here's what eighth graders do need to know: Genital warts are painless bumps that can appear on the your vulva, vagina, cervix, penis, mouth, throat, or anus. Genital warts are mainly harmless and often go away on their own, but some people do need treatment. A teacher might also reassure them that genitals warts do not lead to cancer, but I’m not convinced any of them were confused about that before they took the pretest. What’s most important is that eighth graders understand the basics of STI self-care—if you ever have an unexplained bump or lump on your genitals, go to a health care provider to get it checked out. I

Eighth graders and their parents should also know this: HPV can cause cervical cancer and cancers of the vulva, vagina, cervix, penis, mouth, throat, or anus, but today’s middle schoolers are growing up in a magical scientific age in which we have a vaccine that can prevent these cancers. Yes, we have a cancer vaccine! In fact, the vaccine is so effective that if enough people get it, researchers think we can eliminate cervical cancer in this country.

Eighth graders with cervixes should also know that they need regular HPV tests once they become sexually active. They might also need Pap tests which can check for precancerous cells on the cervix that can be treated before they become cancer. (Of course, this presumes that the curriculum told eighth graders what a cervix is and who has one, and that the person who labeled the chart didn’t mix it up with the left big toe or tip of the nose.) 

I don’t know if this test was made by the teacher, the district, the state, or some third-party curriculum supplier. Maybe the authors of the fifth-grade grammar workbook that inaccurately suggested “bag of groceries” was plural are now dabbling in sex ed. (That’s also not how it f**king works, by the way. It’s one singular bag no matter how many grocery items are in it.)

I do know that this test of the students’ knowledge coming into the class contained exactly the kind of misinformation I had hoped the class would clear up, and that doesn’t bode well. I fear “back to eighth grade” will become a recurrent feature in this newsletter. (The teacher is going to hate me by the end of the semester, right?)