Bombs in Toyland

Suspected WWII bomb turns out to be basic sex toy

This week is a little bit of déjà vu. I’m talking about periods and vaccines again because there is now an absolutely ridiculous piece of misinformation making the rounds that suggests that standing next to a vaccinated person will mess with your periods and possibly even cause a miscarriage. This tidbit was actually shared on one of my local moms’ groups—apparently my liberal bubble is not immune to anti-vaxx falsehoods. (I ask that everyone take a moment to be proud of me for not engaging on that thread. The accurate information had been shared by others and the poster wasn’t backing down, there was nothing more I could do but watch my own blood pressure rise.) I’m also talking about sex ed laws again because another Republican governor did the right thing by passing a rewrite of her state’s ancient and clearly homophobic law. And, I’m talking about laws targeting trans kids again because that same governor also signed a law banning them from playing on sports teams of the gender they identify as. I am even talking about Germans again when we play the new game: WWII bomb or sex toy? I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned sex toys modeled after Pixar characters before, so that’s new and hopefully, next Wednesday will bring us an entirely new slate of sexy subjects.

That’s Not How It F**king Works: Standing Next to a Vaccinated Person Won’t Make You Miscarry

Last week I mentioned reports that the Covid-19 vaccines may interfere with a person’s menstrual cycles and offered a few explanations as to why, but noted that we really don’t know enough about it yet. This is a legitimate vaccine reaction and further research needs to be done. Now there are tales circulating around the interwebs that suggest that standing near a vaccinated person can interfere with your periods and fertility and even cause miscarriages. This requires no further research before I say, that’s not how it f**king works.

It’s hard to know where this particular piece of absurdity started (a Russian bot net is as good a guess as any), but there are many examples of it floating around at this point. USA Today notes a Facebook post from April 17th in which one woman explains that she’s the only unvaccinated person in her office and now her periods are out of whack. She goes on to say: “I had a miscarriage a few months back and my periods have been extremely inconsistent and very different than my previous periods in life.” (I wish her doctor had explained that it can take a while after a miscarriage for cycles to get back to normal.) Another post “explains” that vaccinated people shed the virus which then throws off the cycle of the people around them.

And, the head of a school in Miami recently announced that she would no longer employ vaccinated teachers because it was too dangerous for the students. In an email to parents, she wrote: “Tens of thousands of women all over the world have recently been reporting adverse reproductive issues from being in close proximity with those who have received any one of the COVID-19 injections.”

Nope. Not how it works. Vaccinated people don’t have the virus so they can’t shed it. And if they did have and shed the virus, the symptoms they’d pass to the people standing next to them would be symptoms of Covid-19 and not vaccine side effects. It’s like someone took everything they kind of sort of understood about vaccines and viruses (viruses shed, viruses are contagious, vaccines make your body think you’ve already had the virus, the Covid vaccines are messing with people’s periods) and put it in a blender and this is what came out. Which I suppose is about right, the internet can be one giant game of telephone. 

There are lots of reasons that menstrual cycles can be thrown off—the stress of living through a global pandemic with fellow humans who aren’t willing to listen to actual science or realizing you’re sending your kid to a school run by a crazy person might some of them. And, we do know that getting the Covid vaccine yourself is also one of them.  Standing next to someone who had the vaccine, however, is not.  

Alabama Removes Biased Language from One Law, Then Turns Around and Passes Another    

Republican Governor Kay Ivey of Alabama signed a law last week removing decades-old language from the state’s sex ed law that was clearly biased against homosexual relationships. 

The law, which had been in place since 1992, said “homosexuality is not a lifestyle acceptable to the general public and homosexual conduct is a criminal offense under the laws of the state.” Thankfully nothing in this clearly biased language is true today. Polls show that a majority of Americans have supported same-sex marriage since 2012 and in the 2003 ruling in Lawrence v. Texas, the U.S. Supreme Court declared sodomy laws unconstitutional.

Courtney Roark, Alabama policy and movement building director for URGE, said in a statement: “Ending state-mandated homophobia in sex ed is a hard-won fight by advocates who’ve been working toward this for years. This win is just one step in the direction of the sex ed we’d like to see in Alabama, which is sex ed that is comprehensive and LGBTQ+ affirming.”

Before we throw too big a party, however, Governor Ivey also signed a bill banning transgender young people from playing on sports teams of the gender they identify as. This, too, runs counter to public opinion. Hopefully, it doesn’t take the state decades to change this transphobic law.

WWII Bomb or Sex Toy?

Germans have been living with the idea of “if you see something say something” even longer than New Yorkers because it’s not uncommon to find unexploded WWII munitions in areas around that country. In September 2019, for example, 60,000 people in Frankfurt were evacuated after a 3,000 pound bomb was found, and police suspect that a sudden explosion in Albach earlier that year that left a crater 33 feet wide and 13 feet deep was the result of a long-abandoned UXB.   

So, last week when a jogger in Bavaria found what looked like a grenade in a plastic bag, she did the right thing by calling the police. Upon further inspection, however, the police determined that it was not capable of causing explosions other than, perhaps, those of the orgasmic kind. It was not a war relic but a modern sex toy. The police did note that the other items in the bag—lube, condoms, and a USB cable—helped confirm their identification.

The picture of the faux grenade does not make it immediately clear what kind of sex toy it was, but a quick internet search suggests a masturbation sleeve is the most likely candidate. For those unfamiliar with these masturbation aids often referred to by the brand name Fleshlights, it’s fairly self-explanatory—you put your dick in it, preferably with some lube.  (If I knew it was that kind of party….)

Speaking of Fleshlights, there’s now one that looks like Shrek’s ear. It’s by the same artist who made one based on Heimlich from A Bug’s Life, Mrs. Incredible (also known as Elastigirl), and Jessica Rabbit. I’m guessing he does not have an official licensing arrangement with Pixar.