The Virgin Monkey

Scarlet Letters and Immaculate Conceptions

I’m not the mom who volunteers to be class parent or chaperone field trips. I’m not organized enough to send out the sign-up geniuses for class parties or reminders about permission slips. I’m the one who needs those reminders and signs up for napkin duty every time. I did direct a skit in the school play twice (including once right before the pandemic when the show did not, in fact, go on). The experience reminded me why I stick to teaching college.

I’ve shown my gratitude to teachers in other ways (I’ve decorated doors, bought coffee, and made a gift-card tree for various teacher appreciation weeks), but chaos coordinating is not my thing. In fact, during the preschool graduation, when the teacher was thanking all of the parents for coming into the classroom, doing art projects, and chaperoning trips, my youngest daughter raised her hand wildly in the air and shouted, “Miss Vanessa, Miss Vanessa, you can’t thank my parents for that, they never came on a field trip!”

I was a little embarrassed but I know my limitations, and it makes me extra appreciative of the parents who do show up to help with Halloween costumes, throw hot chocolate parties, run book fairs, or attend field day (my own personal vision of hell). The same faces are there a lot, and I am thankful for them.

It sounds like Victoria Triece – the mom in our first story—was one of those familiar faces at her sons’ elementary school in Orlando, Florida, at least until she was branded Scarlet Letter-style and banned from all school events by the local morality police.

School Says OnlyFans Mom Is No Longer Welcome, Mom Sues

Victoria Triece, a single mother of two boys ages 7 and 11 in Orlando, Florida, took volunteering at her sons’ school very seriously. She coordinated field days, threw classroom parties, and chaperoned trips. That is until the principal found out she posted nude pictures on OnlyFans and banned her from school grounds. Now, over a year later, Triece is suing the Orange County School District in hopes of once again being allowed to attend school events.

We’ve discussed OnlyFans before, but for those who don’t remember, it is a UK-based content subscription site. The site provides the infrastructure that independent contractors need to post pics and videos and charge subscribers for access to those pics and videos. (In that way, it’s much like the Substack network that allows me to pop up in your inbox each Wednesday with ease.) In return, the site takes 20% of what creators bring in from one-time viewing fees or subscriptions. The site is technically for creators with a variety of skills or interests (actors, musicians, famous-for-who-knows-what-influencers), but it is widely known that most of the content is adult in nature.

That said, there are varying degrees of XXX on the site. Triece’s OnlyFans page may have been limited to tasteful boudoir shots of the 31-year-old that went no further than a Victoria’s Secret print ad, or she could have been auditioning to be the next Stormy Daniels. I haven’t checked, and we shouldn’t care.

We also shouldn’t care why she decided to start the OnlyFans page. If this is Triece’s primary income that feeds her kids, great. If it’s a side hustle that helps her pay for summer camp, great. If she takes all the money she makes and spends it at Good Vibrations, great. It’s none of our business, and it’s certainly not the business of the principal of Sand Lake Elementary School.

And yet…

When she showed up one day in October 2021 to help her son’s class carve pumpkins (God bless any parent who is willing to help 30 some odd second graders do something so squishy), she was told she was no longer allowed on the property. The principal said that a parent had forwarded him pictures from her OnlyFans page, and Triece could no longer engage with students on school grounds. Triece told the Washington Post that the conversation with the principal lasted 40 minutes, but the story does not say what, if any, rationale he gave for this decision.

Possibly because there isn’t one? Seriously, this is straight up bulls**t.

If she had taken her clothes off during Back to School Night, sure, she could be disinvited from future parent events. If she were using the school as a backdrop for her photoshoots and draping herself seductively over the monkey bars during school hours, okay, I get it. I might even understand if she was somehow using school events or email chains to market her OnlyFans page and get more subscribers. But none of that has been suggested (the district did not respond to the Post’s inquiries).

Until we hear otherwise, it seems that the principal simply took moral offense to something this grown woman did on her own time and—now I’m extrapolating—decided her entirely clothed presence in a classroom of kids who don’t yet have internet access or OnlyFans accounts would nonetheless corrupt the students.

Morality clauses in employment contracts are questionable at best, but morality clauses for parent volunteers are ridiculous. Did the principal also ban the parent who sent the OnlyFans pic? That parent clearly watches internet pornography. Is the dad who has been schtupping his wife’s best friend (both of whom are class parents for Mrs. Mandelbaum’s third graders) forbidden from attending soccer games? What about the parents who work 60 hours a week but occasionally sext so they don’t forget what each other looks like? Are they considered a solid married couple and welcome at the school play, or are even they too risqué for Principal Holier Than Thou?    

I’ve always been told that schools love family engagement and are desperate for parent volunteers given how many parents have to, you know, work during the school day. If Orlando is going to make parents pass a purity test before stepping on school grounds, we’re looking at no field trip chaperones and a pretty small audience for the annual talent show.

Triece has missed all school events since 2021 including holiday parties and a field trip to Sea World (even I might have agreed to chaperone that one, I love dolphins). She told the Washington Post that she used to comfort kids whose parents couldn’t come to school events and now she feels terrible that the disappointed kid is her own. 

Last month, Triece officially filed suit against the district asking to be allowed back. I hope she wins and never volunteers again (the school clearly doesn’t deserve her).

Monkey Pregnancy Not So Mysterious After All

Zookeepers at the Kujukushima Zoo & Botanical Garden in Southern Japan have apparently spent the last few years perplexed by how Momo, a 12-year-old white-handed gibbon, became pregnant. You see, Momo lived by herself in a cage. She had no roommate, no gentleman callers, and no access to Tinder. And yet clearly she got pregnant as she now shares her cage with a 2-year-old son who has not been given a name.

To solve the mystery of who knocked Momo up, zookeepers attempted to get DNA from her son. The task proved tricky as the mother is very protective of her baby, but through samples of hair and stool they now believe that the father is Momo’s neighbor, 34-year-old agile gibbon Itoh. (The age gap violates the half-your-age-plus-seven rule that has been used to determine what is and isn’t acceptable in celebrity relationships, but it may be different in the monkey world.)

There are still questions about how the two managed to do the deed as they are kept in cages separated by bars and chicken wire. (I’m not loving the sound of the living arrangements in this zoo.) Handlers now believe that they must have copulated while on display to visitors when they are put in adjacent glass-faced enclosures that have a perforated divider between them. They don’t have any hard proof (pun intended) like video or eyewitness accounts from zoo-goers, but they did find a 9-centimeter (3.5 inch) hole in the divider.

The circumference of the average person penis is 3.66 inches or 9.3 centimeters which makes the hole doable if not entirely comfortable for some. Gibbons are not big monkeys, so I’m guessing their members may be substantially smaller. From where I sit, how Momo got pregnant seems perfectly obvious: Itoh stuck his dick through the hole, and Momo backed that thing up. (Okay, I don’t know the position for sure. Perhaps the Monkey Sutra has stuff we haven’t thought of: they are awfully bendy creatures.)

At this point my real question is why did this “mystery” take two years to solve? I also want to know what theories the zookeeping community threw out there. The Imonkulate Conception? Semen flung from one side of the partition to the other that happened to land just right? A rogue employee running an artificial insemination side hustle? A stealing-Drake’s-used-condom-and-hoping-there’s-no-hot-sauce scenario? Aliens? Monkey dicks in space?

As people who work with animals, they may be familiar with the problem-solving tool that says when you see hoof prints think horses not zebras. When a monkey accidentally gets pregnant, go with the classics: insert Monkey Tab A into Monkey Slot B.